4 Christmas Jumpers that I wish I could burn
If you’re a hardcore Christmas junkie like myself and my housemate, then each year you will subject yourself to the trial that is the Christmas jumper. “Always garish and never trendy” is the motto of the Christmas jumper (and if it was real it would be in Latin, yes), but despite that we still wear them, because we’re festive damn it! However, there are some Christmas jumpers that take the familiar nativity scene that we are so fond of and ask certain questions of it. The questions they ask range from: ‘what if terrorists flew into the stable in Bethlehem?’, ‘what if Jesus was the result of Nuclear fusion gone awry?’, ‘What if snowmen were malevolent?’
It is these questions, and more importantly, these jumpers, that have led to my sleepless nights developing a Patented Skull Baubel Horror Rating System. The following jumpers are accurately graded using the PSBHRS. Read on..if you dare..to encounter an array of shocking puns!
Jumper 1: ‘Snowmaim’
If you’ve ever seen the film Alien then you’ll be familiar with the scene in which an Alien baby rips trough a soldier’s stomach and emerges, covered in gore, as the epitome of space horror. If you haven’t seen the film Aliens, you’ll most likely know this scene anyway. Well, thankfully, someone has created the Christmas jumper equivalent of this moment. There’s something ominous about the caution the snowman is displaying as he emerges from your stomach. There’s no blood? Of course there’s no blood, he’s frozen your insides solid, the crafty snowy bastard. The most terrifying thing to think about, is the fact that the Alien only emerges from the soldier’s stomach because he has been face raped by another alien. Now imagine a big, veiny, erect carrot-like-phallus getting forced down your throat; its hot, sticky, carrot juices trickling down your gullet to fester in your stomach; you think you’ve just got a stomach ache…and you’re oh, so, so, so cold all the time, so you take a few aspirin. The pain subsides but then…RIPPP, another snowy monster (which you’ve been impregnated with) emerges, slowly and coyly from your stomach, ready to shove his (most likely) erect (it is erect; aspirin is like viagra to homicidal rape snowmen) alien carrot cock down someone else’s throat.
Jumper 2: ‘Hark the herald angels scream’
When you see this jumper you’ll most likely see three cute choirboys singing in the snow. What I see is a child sex abuse scene that asks too many questions for my liking:
- Why are their eyes closed, and why are they screaming (come on, they’re clearly not singing)
- What are the strange red marks on the middle boy’s cheeks. No-one else has them. Are they the bruises from a thrust in the wrong direction by a drunken, albeit festive, child molester?
- Why does the snow look more akin to splatters, then delicate Ice shapes? Was something white and sticky (I’m presuming it was sticky) splattered on the boys’ faces at some point? Possibly in their mouths?
- Doesn’t the text at the bottom look oddly spaced? Were there letters there that have been erased? Was it originally ‘blah, blah, blah’?
- WHY DOES NOBODY CARE THAT THESE CHILDREN HAVE BEEN MOUTH SEX RAPED BY SANTA?????? (an oddly developing theme if you’re keeping score / an oddly developing trope if you’re keeping score and know the word trope)
Jumper 3: ‘Jingle Hell’
This jumper is so bad that its creator couldn’t even be bothered to give it arms. What is left behind is a pseudo-sweater-cardigan-vest that bears striking resemblances to a Mayan prophecy I found under my sink. Notice how Santa is screaming and his nose appears to have been sliced off. Notice how the snowman is holding a broom – is he a witch? Clearly this is a document in need of professional translating; it could be the Rosetta stone that unleashes the horror of Christmas upon the land. Notice how everything is blocky and pixilated…is life real? Or is it a video game? Do we live in the matrix?! Is that the message being conveyed? One thing is clear though: When the boom and the faeces with legs fly in the sky, we must bury our teddy bears and our Alpine chalets, before a screaming, noseless Santa and a witch-snowman arrive to wreck havoc like a frosty apocalypse: Frostocalypse. Which sounds like the name of a sexy, and icy, member of the X-men.
Jumper 4: ‘Santa = Satan’
This is one of the most terrifying jumpers I have ever seen, Christmas themed or not. Santa’s eyes are BLEEDING. What the fuck?! If we turn and face this jumper, so that it faces jumper number 2 up there, then what we’ve done is successfully recreate a scene from a child molester snuff movie – which is very festive. Santa’s hands are too bold and weirdly defined, looking more like claws or metallic pincers than hands; and his look of upmost shock is the paradigm of horror. What can Santa – a fictional character – have seen, that shits him up, so, so much?! Is he warning us to not go looking for him? I don’t know, but his bleeding face and hollow, dead eyes, is doing enough to convince me to burn this sweater and never publish this article, for fear of putting into motion a festive curse much like The Ring, except with more tinsel. It’s as if Santa has been possessed and wherever he goes, he is always telling you ‘you’ve been very naughty this year’ in a wheedling, reedy voice, and then he kills you in your sleep. And don’t try screaming for Rudolph to help. Those eyes tell me he killed Rudolph and ate his nose to gain his strength and courage. This is why the Ghostbusters should exist. To keep this possessed sweater from ever hurting anyone.
The most disturbing Christmas ties I could find (at short notice)
By Tom Watts
Once a year, every year, Christmas comes around. However, rather than remember that it is a religious holiday, Christmas has suffered amnesia and now masquerades as an excuse to spend an excessive amount of money on useless tat. In other words, what I’m trying to say is that Christmas IS Jason Bourne. Also, people tend to buy rubbish christmas clothes to pass themselves off as festive (and hide their suicidal tendencies/alcoholism). Here’s some of the most disturbing ties I could find at short notice.
1. Merry Skullmas (or ‘The Futility Of Life’) Christmas Tie
At first glance this tie looks like a cheery skeleton full of festive pizaz - and that is something we can all relate to! He’s got a bauble, some mistletoe, a santa hat and a grin full of christmas spirit. But what’s disturbing about this tie is that the skeleton doesn’t look like it’s smiling but rather grimacing, as if he is being forced at gunpoint to pose for the tie. Secondly the way the skeleton is dangling that ever-so-delicate bauble between two fingers acts simply acts as a subversive remember of how fleeting life can be shattered by death. Worse case scenario is that this is what falls down your chimney one christmas eve in the distant future, only for you to suddenly realize that Santa got STUCK and DIED in your chimney many, many years ago. Those wistful moans weren’t Christmas carols being carried on the breeze, but rather the soft, agonised moaning of Father Christmas starving to death (and most likely being suffocated and burnt as well).
2. Santa Balls (or ‘Blow, Blow, Blow! Merry Sexmas’) Christmas Tie
It’s good to see that Ol’ St. Nick has been looking after himself for the past 12 months; he’s kicked the mince pie addiction, beefed up at the gym and he’s now a sex pest…WAIT! …what? Not only does Santa have the appearance of an aged Arnie, but he’s oh so casually reminding you that should you forget to put the cookies and milk out, then he won’t be shoving Rudolph’s carrot down your throat, no sir! What’s also disturbing is the fact that oral sex is a ‘great last minute gift’, implying that all your presents are safely under the tree, but just to make sure you NEVER enjoy then Santa will rape you.
Billy: ‘Muuum! Santa threw the milk we left out for him all over me’
Billy’s Mum: ‘Billy, we didn’t leave Santa out any milk! Anyway,…what’s that smell?…oh god. Oh. My. God…..OH MY FUCKING GOD!’
3. Blasphmerry Christmas (or ‘I forgot the religious foundation of christmas’) Christmas Tie
First of all, this time does have one of the better festive tie puns. The thing is though, is that no matter how slight it is, and trust me when I say it’s inescapable, doesn’t this just reek of the ‘traders in the temple’ situation in the bible? You know, when Jesus goes bat-shit insane and throws out all the traders who sold out religion for money? Sound familiar Christmas Tie? HMMM?? Furthermore, when you really start to look at the china dolls, don’t they remind you of something? Namely the Virgin Mary statue that Charlie from Lost treasures? And what was in these statues? Correct. Heroin.
(Pictured: Heroin…or should that be Xmas Fun Dust?)
This adds a whole new darker tone to the ‘Maximize your Prophets’ message emblazoned on the tie. Namely, that it is the three wise men subconsciously telling you to push drugs. Truly, an inspirational christmas message for us all.
4. What the &#$€mas? (or ‘A Winter Blunderland’) Christmas Tie
This tie scares me. There is an open-endedness to it that seems to beg more questions than it asks. Here are my key questions:
- Where does the sky end and the earth begin? Is this a landscape…on a cloud?!
- Why are all the leaves on the tree red? Is is blood? Is that a misty cloud of blood in the sky? is this, in fact, a murder scene that I’ve just stumbled upon.
- Where are all the woodland critters? Is that their blood all over the tree?
These are just the first few that ran through my mind. This is the result of Charles Manson feeling festive and painting what he sees in his head whilst listening to the corpses of his victims performing a posthumous version of John Cage’s 4’33. This tie doesn’t scare me; it fucking terrifies me.